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I'm Free to Do What I Want

Just quit my masters program and I feel so liberated. I really struggled with the decision because I didn't want to start quitting things again, but I was so disconnected from the material and the assignments were causing undue stress which was triggering my anxiety and depression, and, just, no, I'm not here for that. So, maybe I'll start back once I find a good head shrinker, but I'm more excited about where this new path will lead me.

School Still Hard

Completed my first term of my MS in Higher Education and meh. I wanted to quit but I can't quite pass up a tuition free degree, so I'll continue as long as it doesn't impact my mental health too much (anxiety trigged a depressive episode during the first term; I am going to try very hard to successfully cope w/my anxiety issues). To assist in keeping my eyes on the prize, I will also begin slowly but surely working on my application to the two MFA programs I'm most interested in so I can immediately start the program I actually want to be in.

School Hard

Started classes for my MS in Higher Education; the first class is the foundations of higher education, and, I'm bored to tears already. I've always done best in courses that pique my interest, so, I'm totes worried. Also, my computer decided to break the week I start online courses, so, I'm trying very hard to not give in to the impulse to charge a Microsoft Surface Book to my credit card, since I just paid off all but one of them. So, for now, I'll be toggling between my phone, tablet, and work computer. This should be an interesting six week term.

Where is My Mind?

I've hit a brick wall with my MFA application; I just do not feel like writing a second draft of my statement of purpose, and I'm certainly not in the headspace to write a 5-10 page critical essay dissecting a literary work or author; so much so that I just signed up to begin a MS in Higher Education through my employer. Maybe doing master level work will get me in the correct headspace; I certainly hope so because I would like to get my MFA so I can teach, or maybe I should just go after my Phd; decisions, decisions, I am so bad at them.

Mar. 10th, 2016

I attended a three hour seminar today at work about time management; and, man, was it a much needed kick in the butt; I immediately came home and worked on the novel. I am going to dedicate fifteen minutes everyday for the next seven days to working on the novel, increasing my time each week until I get to an hour. I just finished the rough draft (I think rough is an understatement) of my statement of purpose for the MFA program I'm applying to, and I just wrote a brief synopsis of the themes I'd like to work into what I already have, so I feel like a productive adult who is actively working towards goals that will make my life better. It's really quite dumb how often I have to be reminded how much better I feel when I write; you'd think I'd never need to be reminded of something that's carved into the bones of me. Welcome to the wonderful, confusing world of me.


The Joys of a Welfare Christmas

The tax gods deemed me fit to receive my return a week after I filed; and, boy, was it right on time. This whole being poor thing has definitely inspired me to pursue both my MFA in Creative Writing so I can teach at the collegiate level, but to also to, well, just write. I don't know why I always get in my own way when it comes to my writing, but if I'm going to be poor, I may as well be a poor working writer. Also, I think I may start a YouTube channel even though I know nothing about film and editing, but, isn't that the whole point of YouTube, anybody with a camera can upload a clip? Eh, being skint will make you adventurous, or just really desperate.

A Change Gon' Come

I have decided that March will be the month of livejournaling; I would like to get in the habit of meaningfully blogging, so this space will be a lot busier than it has in quite a while. Nothing much has changed in this nutty life of mine, except I had the realization that not only do I dread going to work, I also dread coming home. I have stayed in my parents home so long, we all low key resent one another now. Oops. I would totally rectify that situation by moving out, except my lovely full-time job doesn't pay a living wage; at least it's not a wage to sustain a body living in a major metropolis like Chicago. So, the job hunt abounds. I've also just requested some funds from my 401k, and using that in conjunction with my tax refund, I will pay off three credit cards and bring my student loan payments current, so hopefully that will give me some breathing room, b/c this girl is skint. I never thought I'd still be in this place, both physically and mentally at 36, but, here I am. So instead of crying (man, I really wish I could have a cathartic cry right about now), I am going to dig myself out of this hole I've been digging for 16 years.

I Ain't Changed but I Know I Ain't The Same

Life continues to be exactly the same, yet I'm in a really good headspace. I'm not crazy about my job, but it is in the field I want to work in, so I'm trying to squeeze every last drop of valuable experience out of the time I'm there (I'm shooting for a year; I reached my six month anniversary this month-so half way there).

I haven't written anything for my novel in almost a month, but I don't feel stuck, I think about my characters and where I'd like them to go everyday so even though I'm not putting words down on paper, I still feel very connected to this world I've created which I'm still in love with. I've recently started talking about my novel and my writerly ambitions with my co-workers and I think this has...freed something in me, maybe? I'm no longer strapping my ambition to my right leg, hidden in my boot; it's out there for the world to see and I better do something about that ambition. The telling of it has made me accountable to it and I'm excited by what I could possibly accomplish.

I just figured out that if I want to meet new people I should probably develop hobbies that include, you know, other people. So I'm excited about finding out what that will be for me.

Life is exciting! Life hasn't been exciting for me in quite some time. I can't wait to see where I take me.

Frustrated, Incorporated

You know that moment when you realize you have to change how you do just about everything if you want to live the kind of life you want to live, be the kind of person you want to be? Yeah, I'm at that moment; I've been avoiding it for quite some time, but I'm going to have to change the way I eat, the way I sleep, the way I work, the way I move, the way I handle money, if I'm going to be the woman I see when I close my eyes. I'm scared out of my mind, but I want to see if I'm up to the challenge. Well, here we go.


And So It Begins

I just submitted a short story for possible publication to an online sci-fi, fantasy, and horror literary journal. And so my quest to become a professional author begins.



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