I've suspended job searching because it was causing me anxiety and I really need to sit down and think about what I want to do next instead of applying to jobs as a knee jerk reaction to my displeasure at my current job. I'm too old to keep jumping from job to job; it's time for me to figure out a way to create a career for myself that pays and fulfills me; ugh, adulating is hard. Seriously, how does one make money from sleeping until noon and re-watching 'Captain America: Civil War' on repeat?
Job searching sucks. That is all.
I've only been going to therapy for the last two months, but already I've begun to fall asleep without popping a sleeping pill (only in the last week, but I count it as a win), I've done the research needed to, at least, ably create media for YouTube, if not revolutionize the platform (yes, I'm going to be another person shouting my opinions on movies, tv, books on the intrawebs), I've written the first two episodes and I'm going to shoot the demos for both videos Sunday, look them over for notes on improvements, then, hopefully, Monday I'll be able to begin editing. I am excited! Now, if only I could rejuvenate my muse so I can finish the first draft of my novel. What do you guys do when you need inspiration?
Just quit my masters program and I feel so liberated. I really struggled with the decision because I didn't want to start quitting things again, but I was so disconnected from the material and the assignments were causing undue stress which was triggering my anxiety and depression, and, just, no, I'm not here for that. So, maybe I'll start back once I find a good head shrinker, but I'm more excited about where this new path will lead me.
Completed my first term of my MS in Higher Education and meh. I wanted to quit but I can't quite pass up a tuition free degree, so I'll continue as long as it doesn't impact my mental health too much (anxiety trigged a depressive episode during the first term; I am going to try very hard to successfully cope w/my anxiety issues). To assist in keeping my eyes on the prize, I will also begin slowly but surely working on my application to the two MFA programs I'm most interested in so I can immediately start the program I actually want to be in.
Started classes for my MS in Higher Education; the first class is the foundations of higher education, and, I'm bored to tears already. I've always done best in courses that pique my interest, so, I'm totes worried. Also, my computer decided to break the week I start online courses, so, I'm trying very hard to not give in to the impulse to charge a Microsoft Surface Book to my credit card, since I just paid off all but one of them. So, for now, I'll be toggling between my phone, tablet, and work computer. This should be an interesting six week term.
I've hit a brick wall with my MFA application; I just do not feel like writing a second draft of my statement of purpose, and I'm certainly not in the headspace to write a 5-10 page critical essay dissecting a literary work or author; so much so that I just signed up to begin a MS in Higher Education through my employer. Maybe doing master level work will get me in the correct headspace; I certainly hope so because I would like to get my MFA so I can teach, or maybe I should just go after my Phd; decisions, decisions, I am so bad at them.
I attended a three hour seminar today at work about time management; and, man, was it a much needed kick in the butt; I immediately came home and worked on the novel. I am going to dedicate fifteen minutes everyday for the next seven days to working on the novel, increasing my time each week until I get to an hour. I just finished the rough draft (I think rough is an understatement) of my statement of purpose for the MFA program I'm applying to, and I just wrote a brief synopsis of the themes I'd like to work into what I already have, so I feel like a productive adult who is actively working towards goals that will make my life better. It's really quite dumb how often I have to be reminded how much better I feel when I write; you'd think I'd never need to be reminded of something that's carved into the bones of me. Welcome to the wonderful, confusing world of me.
The tax gods deemed me fit to receive my return a week after I filed; and, boy, was it right on time. This whole being poor thing has definitely inspired me to pursue both my MFA in Creative Writing so I can teach at the collegiate level, but to also to, well, just write. I don't know why I always get in my own way when it comes to my writing, but if I'm going to be poor, I may as well be a poor working writer. Also, I think I may start a YouTube channel even though I know nothing about film and editing, but, isn't that the whole point of YouTube, anybody with a camera can upload a clip? Eh, being skint will make you adventurous, or just really desperate.
I have decided that March will be the month of livejournaling; I would like to get in the habit of meaningfully blogging, so this space will be a lot busier than it has in quite a while. Nothing much has changed in this nutty life of mine, except I had the realization that not only do I dread going to work, I also dread coming home. I have stayed in my parents home so long, we all low key resent one another now. Oops. I would totally rectify that situation by moving out, except my lovely full-time job doesn't pay a living wage; at least it's not a wage to sustain a body living in a major metropolis like Chicago. So, the job hunt abounds. I've also just requested some funds from my 401k, and using that in conjunction with my tax refund, I will pay off three credit cards and bring my student loan payments current, so hopefully that will give me some breathing room, b/c this girl is skint. I never thought I'd still be in this place, both physically and mentally at 36, but, here I am. So instead of crying (man, I really wish I could have a cathartic cry right about now), I am going to dig myself out of this hole I've been digging for 16 years.